Detox
Discoveries
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The
early months of our season of detox were an interesting mix of trying
to find work, figuring out how to buy and pay for a house with no
fixed income, getting the kids into a school, caring for a newborn
baby, and – in our spare time – starting to process our
pastoral and “laity” experiences up to that point (we’d
been volunteers for six years with George Mercado, and later, pastors
for seven years).
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We ended
up buying an upper/lower duplex in Winnipeg’s North End, renting
out the top floor to three friends (all musicians), I joined a “secular”
band as a missional presence in Winnipeg’s vibrant musical scene,
and Wendy began to adapt her hobby of photography (started as a way of
dealing with our first son’s death) into a business.
We made an
appointment with our Winnipeg church's team of intercessors for prayer
ministry, although we had to wait almost a year before they finally got
around to us. The wait didn't help our overall feelings or attitude at
the time, although there was one very significant thing that came out
of that prayer time:
One of the
intercessors, after hearing Wendy & I pour out our story, prayed for
us and at one point said something to the effect of (probably not exactly
verbatim): "The LORD is going to restore the beauty of His Bride
in your eyes". This would be a significant piece that would lodge
in the back of our minds during our whole detox season.
Early detox
discoveries:
- You don’t
realize how common it is for the “official” people to receive
many prophetic words of affirmation – and how rare it is for the
“laity” – until you’ve moved from one group to the
other.
- The people
most needing encouragement rarely received it, because encouragement
(prophetic or otherwise) seemed to be directly connected to your perceived
value to the
machinery organization.
- Many
times, I found myself looking in the mirror and thinking, “Maybe
the problem really IS me...”
- When
you’re in pain, you’re not the nicest or most consistent person
to be around. Although we had legitimate wounds that needed healing,
we were kinda prickly, moody, and at times fairly toxic ourselves as
we detoxed.
- Which,
being interpreted, means (A) we shouldn’t act so self-righteous
or adopt a detoxing-martyr complex if other Christians aren’t rushing
to hear us vent (yet again) about church, and (B) we need to find others
who understand where we can safely vent, puke, cry, and hash through
the issues (for me, that meant starting up the Dead Pastors’ Society
at the King’s
Head Pub every Monday night)
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- Dead
Pastors Society Rule #1: It’s safe place to vent, and to recount
the gory details of what led to the disillusionment and detox.
- Dead
Pastors Society Rule #2: But it isn’t okay to stay bitter or
feed bitterness. A safe place to vent was for the purpose of healing.
- Dead
Pastors Society Rule #3: It’s a process. Not a quick fix. Sometimes,
we met and all we “accomplished” was the quaffing of Guinness
and the watching of hockey. And that was (and is) okay.
- Detoxing
takes time. I really resented, at first, that it felt like the Enemy
was taking me out of the game for – who knows, maybe a year? But
I quickly realized that I had no option but to “embrace the crash”
and let it run its course. It turned out to be over a year and a half
before I felt myself “coming back to life”.
- Sad but
true: there are a lot of house/simple churches full of detoxing people
that are just as sick, controlling, and abusive as their CLB’s
– the only change is that now they are in charge.
House/simple church is not a magic-wand abra-cadabra solution to the
issues of power and control. This realization, in itself, was tragic:
you start to wonder if anyone, anywhere is actually capable
of living in Christian community, or if such a thing even truly exists.
- I recognized
very early on that despite what some extreme anti-leadership people
assert, there is a Biblical role of leadership, and some are gifted
by the Holy Spirit with leadership. Part of the wrestle as we RE-construct
after critique and deconstruction is about the heart and manner of how
people (like me) will understand and function as missional – and
charismissional – leaders of communitas.
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The
comic strip Dilbert is a very funny metaphor for those of us who see
similarities between the insanity of corporate bureaucracy & policies,
and many church leadership structures (see Don't
Step In The Leadership, for example). If you want to understand
the perception and reaction of many “laity” to church power
structures, just read Dilbert. And for those in the midst of a season
of detoxing from church, I also recommend Dilbert,
as laughing is an important part of the healing and reconstructing
journey. |
©2003-2010
Rob McAlpine
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