Fatherless & Fine With It
 | There has been a lot of talk and print about the "fatherless generation" over the past fifteen-to-twenty years or so. Conferences, books and ministries such as Ed Piorek's The Father Loves You, and Floyd McClung's, The Father Heart of God, have become staples for a generation that felt -- to greater or lesser degree -- ripped off and alienated from fathers. |
But something seems to have changed in recent years. The emerging generations aren't necessarily LESS "fatherless" than the previous, but for some reason, there doesn't often appear to be the same sense of loss involved.
Being "fatherless" used to be equated with something that was missing, something that should have been but hadn't materialized, or at times was actually abusive instead of nurturing. If you asked someone about it, and they considered themselves somehow "fatherless" (either through neglect, absence, shaming, desertion or abuse), you could see the pain in their eyes; they felt the hollowness inside of missing out on something that they really wanted.
Maybe I hang out with a rough crowd, but I'm beginning to see more instances where youth who would still be considered fatherless don't seem to see it as a problem. If the topic comes up, they shrug it off as an obvious reality, but also an irrelevant one. It's almost as palpable as them saying something to the effect of, "Yeah, so I'm 'fatherless'. Why should that make a difference? Most of us are. It's 'normal' now..."
Again, perhaps it's only a select few that are saying these things; maybe I just have conversations with the extreme fringe. But I'm beginning -- just beginning, mind you -- to get an uneasy feeling that being "fatherless" has changed from being a wound that needed healing, and has become just another cold hard factual assumption of 'reality'.
posted by Robbymac at
9:16 PM
9 Comments:
Robby,
I think that even if the lack is not recognized or acknowledged, the wounding still occurs and the void is still there. It is sad that this "reality" would be considered normal and expected.
Rob - I share that observation. My "fatherless" husband definitely has responded and felt differently about it than our "fatherless" college students in our service.
Grace - I'm actually not sure about the wound. I do wonder if perhaps there are more "father figures" to the "fatherless" and that they actually don't have the same wounds.
Rob, Grace & Makeesha,
I think it is a combination of the two. Through the work done in the 80's and early 90's there are now mentoring programs in alot of churches.
On the other side, there is a divorce rate of over 50% in the USA. I am sure that kids see it as a norm to some extent because of this statistic.
So kids are getting the mentoring they need and being fatherless is not an issue...or being fatherless is so common that kids do not know what they are missing and therefore do not percieve they have a wound because they know no difference.
Neil
Yeah it's kind of weird cause there is a different reaction than what it was when I was in college-and that wasn't that long ago. But I think your right, it is normal now.
I know God has worked on my life in amazing ways from not having a Father and people tell me they learn from me what the Fathers heart is.
But my question is this: Is some of my 'healing' because is was told to me as a young Christian that I must have problems because I didn't have a father?
I know I had problems (still do! hehe) but how much of that is from lack of a father and how much of that is because I think I have lack because of not having a father.
Too complicated to answer and I'm not trying to minimize God as our Father or the role of Fathers in society because that's vital, but maybe we shouldn't jump the gun and assume that a lack of a Father is THE problem in a persons life.
Robby,
At my soon-to-be CLB, Pastor X believes in fathering, preaches fathering, and has “spiritual sons”. As a congregation we have heard this for a long time, so we all look to Pastor X and his wife as our spiritual father & mother. As such, they get honored with the best seats, the best service, the best gifts (over the years that has included a house [or at least a huge chunk of the mortgage since 500+ people gave hundreds if not thousands of $$$ to help build it], a Lincoln Town Car, a $10,000+ vacation, plus many other substantial gifts (this list does not include any perks of employment such as a vehicle allowance, housing allowance, etc.). Does this sound like a parent/child relationship? I must add here that I have no problems with ‘blessing the man of God’, but here’s the thing… 1.5 years ago I came to an unfortunate realization, (that as a congregation) we were orphans and Pastor X was merely the director of an orphanage. Sure, some people are being mentored (a select few), but extreme teachings regarding authority don’t co-exist with mentoring or fathering (unless it is abusive). Besides, by Pastor X’s own admission, he only has a dozen or so “spiritual sons” (who are either pastoring a church or are other Xian leaders). Well guess what? If he only has a few “sons”, then what does that make the rest of us? Something other than sons, bastards perhaps. He and the other elders might “speak into our lives”, but that is not necessarily fathering, and if you examine the doctrines and criteria associated with their teachings on son-ship, it will be quite clear that it isn’t. At the time it was shocking and hugely disappointing to know we were orphans; but now, I realize that I’ve lived my whole spiritual life without a father and in a lot of ways (at least for me) I’m okay with that. Matt 23 8-12 “…call no man ‘father’ but your heavenly father…” I’ve stopped looking for a father in terms of a title although I don’t object to one in function; in fact, I think all earthly fathers should be spiritual fathers to their own children. But now I’m at the point where I’d rather find horizontal relationships rather than vertical.
Several years ago I had this dream (not a pizza dream mind you) where my old youth leader looked at me and said, “I was supposed to be a father to you”. I’ve occasionally wondered about that dream… if or when it will be fulfilled. Was it literal or figurative? Who knows? It sure raises some questions though.
Don't forget that the fatherless could often be the victim of "", but the pairing of "the fatherless" and "the widow" does not speak to me of the middle-class teen raised mainly by his mother. Rather, it screams to me of those in mourning.
Also let's not forget the poor. Justice does not always demand we be wounded by our own:
'He doth execute the judgment of the fatherless and widow, and loveth the stranger, in giving him food and raiment.'
Rather than of judgement, this speaks against prejudice.
I agree with Grace on this one. Although if you read the two books you mentioned, plus Jack Frost books its not really about being "Fatherless" as we look at it, but not being able to understand the love God has for us because of our issues with family, friends or just life in general. It is to restore us to our relationship with God. It is to lead us to understanding God loves us unconditionally. He isn't the God that my youth pastor used to sing about "Our God is an angry God and he wants to strike your bod with a lightning rod" He was joking of course, but this is the God of most of the church. I know with the emerging church this is changing somewhat, but there is still a lot of churches out there who refuse to believe the truth of the scriptures
These are all really insightful comments. I've been mulling over what to add or explain as a result of the mind-stretching you've all provoked.
And I did say that I was "beginning, just beginning mind you..." :)
Here's a really short reply:
Neil, Makeesha, & Grace,
I agree with all of you -- there is wounding as Grace mentioned, and as Makeesha pointed out, there is perhaps more "fathering" going on, and Neil, I agree that it seems like more youth don't recognize the lack in their lives, and that in itself (to me, anyway) is truly tragic.
Dave,
I think I understand what you're referring to. Some youth once said to me (paraphrased) "But my dad was a good dad. Why do some of these "healing" people need to try and convince that he wasn't in order to make God look better?"
I think you've hit on something in that when we view this as THE issue, we actually do a disservice by trying to fit everyone into the same box. Thanks for the balance.
KSG,
Your comment points to a very real and (imho) positive direction: as Neil, Makeesha, Dave, Grace and I focussed on "fathering" (my thoughts are usually based on 1 Corinthians 4:15), perhaps the way forward is more "community" and "horizontal". Although I would still see "spiritual mother/father" as a vital role in any missional group. And I should mention that while I have a good Christian father, George Mercado was a spiritual father/mentor/friend of great significance in my life.
(And from the sounds of it, the sooner your soon-to-be CLB becomes CLB, the better for you guys!)
PJ,
I agree completely that God is our Perfect Father, even if we had good earthly fathers. But I also believe that God expresses His Fatherhood through obedient servants here on earth -- male and female, old and young. I don't want to depend on earthly people, but I don't want to be independent of the Body, either. (If I'm not communicating clearly, please let me know!).
Thanks again, everyone. Not only are you encouraging, you're also challenging (in the best possible way)!
Robby,
I should have tempered a few of my comments. I don't want to paint Pastor X or the other leadership team as being evil meglomaniacs (okay, maybe one of them is ;) ha,ha,ha). I used to view them as bad or evil, but based on my study I've learned that because they hold to particular doctrines, they can't help but act certains ways in order to be consistent with their doctrines (or theology). I do firmly believe that my church is a sect (not a cult - they hold to a biblical view of Christ).
I do firmly believe that we (the church) need men and women to fulfill the function of father/mother, but only in position and NOT in title. Just like there should be many men and women who (God has gifted to) pastor people, and not just one man who operates in the "office" of pastor (CEO).
Oh, there is one elder at my soon-to-be CLB who does funtion as a spiritual father to some young men (not me :( ) and who also has a healthy view of discipleship. But he's also the guy who was almost fired (it's not common knowledge) and who is always stirring stuff, so his days are numbered.
You said, "I don't want to depend on earthly people, but I don't want to be independent of the Body, either."
Me too. I'me just deconstructing things still.
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